Entry #1: Everything is Under Control

This may sound delusional or like an egomaniacal attempt to make something appear grander than it is, but I know what I’m doing even when I don’t. I can’t find any other way to explain how things just work out for me, or how I can trust they eventually will. Perhaps, somewhere along the way, I learned to rephrase reality in a way that makes me feel good about life, or maybe I’m just too proud a person to accept mistakes for what they are, but I had everything under control even when I thought I didn’t.

I had never been anything less than an exemplary student. School was a breeze and math was fun. I enjoyed problem-solving and a blind man could see that I had the makings of an engineer. I got accepted to the first prestigious school I applied to using SAT scores I never bothered studying for. But soon after I enrolled, things went downhill— fast.

To cut things short, I was one of the worst students in every class that mattered. And even though it bothered me to the core, I convinced myself that it didn’t. I cared about all the right things but not about what they were associated with. I cared about my aptitude in general, but not about my aptitude in engineering specifically. I cared about not quitting as a point of pride rather than what I would be quitting. And it was frustrating as hell to see myself become someone I never thought I’d become— a failure. I started spiraling out of control.

The world does a crappy job at allowing you to simply be. Certain expectations and definitions force you to hold back what is labeled as undesirable qualities, or just qualities that don’t complement the image you want projected. That’s what I believed. So, when it was time to take on an image, I had to cast aside what I didn’t see fit. Who you want to be is a choice, so I chose logic over emotions, aptitude over passion, sacrifice over selfishness, and respect over pride. But all those qualities I cast aside did not vanish, they dwelled inside and formed a prison.

Watching from bars was my true self. At first, we were in agreement that this is where he needed to be. To reach wherever we wanted to go, to become what we needed to become, he had to sit quietly at the sidelines. But somewhere along the way, he realized something, and he wanted out. He wasn’t content or happy. He didn’t like who I had become, nor where I was headed. But so much had been sacrificed, and there was so much on the line that there was no way out.  

I’m a stubborn person, and he was equally so. I refused to listen, and he refused to contribute. We hated each other, naturally. We blamed one another for the catastrophic shitstorm that was our life. He was quick to point out every little mistake I made— arrogantly so— sabotaging my every attempt to make engineering my life. And I retaliated by forging ahead, further and deeper, until I could no longer hear his voice.

And then I got lost.  

Confession time: I was wrong to think becoming good at something I didn’t like was enough reason to do it. I was walking down a path that wasn’t mine and he could see it. His methods were self-destructive but what choice did I leave him? Had I excelled like I should’ve, then I would still be walking down that road. So, he destroyed us both.

But he was wrong to think we could simply just quit. He needed to learn that taking the easy way out is never an option. We made a choice— a commitment to ourselves and the people invested in us— and we had to see it through, no matter how badly we wanted out.

In the end, we had to reconsolidate our common ground. We had to learn to pursue passion and do it uncompromisingly. We had to learn to cast aside all expectations and live for us wholeheartedly. And we did. We made peace, and I became whole again.

And so here I am— exactly where I wanted to be. Was it premeditated? Or did I merely spin the facts to make it appear as such? All that matters is that something went wrong, and I fixed it. So yes, everything was under control.